Author of Teen Paranormal Fiction

Category: Anxiety

Isolation Week 1 – Toe Nails & Tarot Cards

Last week, the inevitable happened. The schools shut down, much of my city shut down, and my company issued a work-from-home mandate. I can’t say I was surprised, however I took the news with mixed emotions. Sunday night, as we read email after email about closures, the whole pandemic hit home and live became surreal. But I went to bed that night thinking “It will be kinda nice to work from home.”

At least my workspace is inspiring!

Monday came and went. Working from home was, in fact, ‘kinda nice’. I got through a fair amount of what I term “busy work” . . . the little things that need to get done, but other priorities tend to push to back burner.

Why are you working and not petting me?

Tuesday came and went. Not only was our puppers, Mochi, a bit confused as to why all of us were home, The Boo also gave me an odd look every time I went downstairs to make coffee.

I can’t decide if your presence is annoying or irritating.

Wednesday came . . . and the anxiety hit. The walls were closing in, I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax. If I sat here for one more minute, I’d go mad. So instead of Mochi begging me for walkies, I leashed her up and drug her out. She didn’t mind.

March comes in like a lion and out like a jerk.

Thursday came and went much better. No feelings of impending doom, no walls closing in. Just the stink eye from The Boo. “Why are you here, and why aren’t you giving me snacks?”

Get back to work!

Friday. Yay Friday! At least, I think it was Friday. As I logged into work that morning, it occurred to me that every day had felt like a Saturday. Although I set my alarm to wake me at 7AM during the week, the routine wasn’t there. Sure, I fed The Boo (lest she plot my demise later). Sure, I walked The Moche. But other than that, I didn’t leave the house.

Does this hat make me look fat? (or bald?)

I felt like I was reliving Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. The same thing, day in and day out. Although Mr. Nenshi hadn’t ordered the city to stay indoors, it was strongly encouraged. “Treat everyone you meet as if they have COVID-19,” the news tells us. Soon, the walks meant we crossed the street to avoid anyone and everyone.

I felt so isolated. I felt so alone.

I need a hobby.

My go-to has always been nail art. It’s the one thing that got me through my first diagnosis of Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But, let’s face it, we only have so many fingers and toes. I painted them all.

St. Patty’s Day – bars closed but nails sparkling.

I still need another hobby.

A bout of spring cleaning not too long ago turned up my old lock box. Inside it, my aged deck of the Russian Tarot of St. Petersburg.

Such a beautiful deck.

I had read tarot over a decade ago and it took a few test spreads for it to start coming back to me. As the days wore on, I kept at my tarot cards until I became comfortable enough to read again.

It used to freak me out when the Death card appeared in my readings, but in general the card means transformation, and a time of change and new beginnings, but usually in an unexpected and shocking way. Yeah, no kidding. Thanks, COVID-19.

Quite an accurate reading, especially The Emperor reversed. I know who you are!

So, with Week 1 down and a new hobby under my belt, I look forward to the challenges Week 2 will bring. This week we’ve seen all socially active places shut down, a total stop to international travel, the border between us and our Yankee neighbours to the south closed, and an alarming shortage of toilet paper.

No toilet paper, but there is a rawhide chew bone!

Things were getting sketchy at home in the T.P. department until a hot tip led us to one particular grocery store.

My preciousssssss

For next week, I’m wondering if the strongly encouraged advice to stay indoors will switch to mandatory isolation. I’m expecting this week to be the bare minimum of isolation time, since the virus takes 14 days to show its ugly face. In all honesty, I’m still expecting at least two more additional weeks of isolation.

You said it!

The bright spot it that this week we’ve learned the epicentre of the virus, Wuhan, is getting back on its feet and its industry slowly restarting. Makes me hopeful for us over here that June is our target date for surviving this.

Soak up that vitamin D!

Who would have ever thought that a modern day plague could hit?

But hey, they say Shakespeare wrote King Lear while in isolation from the Black Plague. I’m eyeing my fourth book with those very same aspirations.

Until next week!

– Rissa

Fighting Anxiety with Nail Polish

Nail polish? How does that even . . .

No, really. Just stick with me on this one.

It’s been a tough six months for me. Real Life has kicked my butt bad. As a result, my anxiety reared its ugly head again, I’ve gone back on medication, and I’m dealing with all the consequences as best I can.

I also haven’t been writing.

That’s the worst part for me.

Backstory: If you’ve followed my sporadic and disjointed miss-adventures on this blog, you may or may not know I work in Alberta’s battered Oil & Gas industry. Five years ago, it was the hip thing, to work in O&G—something to be proud of. I’d tell people I work in O&G and I’d get nods of approval and wide-eyes of wonder. Fast-forward to today. When I tell people I work in O&G, I get a wince and an “Ooooh”—like the kind of Ooooh you hear when a guy gets nailed in the crotch by a skateboard. Although my company is surviving the economic downturn, we’re doing so using less-than-admirable tactics.

This Ooooh courtesy Cheezburger

At work, we acquired a new company, we’ll call it Company X. This was just the start of breaking down my walls that let anxiety back into my life. At the same time, the company decided to replace our ERP system (the system that basically runs the company), decommission Company X’s ERP that ran their company, combine workforces, combine decades of data, and re-train a workforce 3,000-people strong.

We had 2 months to do this.

Yeah, screw you too, time. (Courtesy Cheezburger)

Come November, I sat in my Doc’s office in tears. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t speak without stuttering. Every waking moment was filled with horrific realizations that I forgot to send an email, and uncontrollable panic attacks that I had an 8am meeting. Meanwhile, all our timelines were slipping, our vendors gave us greenhorn resources fresh out of college, and we kept hearing word everyday that yet another aspect of the business was changing.

On the other end of the spectrum, I was providing work references for three former team members who had been out of work for at least eight months—one of them going on two years—and I kept repeating to myself “Be thankful you still have a job. Be thankful you still have a job.”

It’s a terrible position to be in, both mentally and physically.

If you haven’t watched People of Earth, go watch it. Now!

The New Year rolled around. The new ERP went in with enough sparks to challenge the Shaw Holiday Log for cozy warm television supremacy. We re-trained a workforce on a system that kept crashing and freezing because we didn’t have the time nor the manpower to shore up its resources. We transferred data piece by agonizing piece over weeks and weeks of “Okay, try it now” scenarios that took far too long to correct.  All the while, we were scrutinized. “Why is this taking so long?” “Why are you running into so many difficulties?”

All I heard was: “Why aren’t you doing your job, Rissa?”

After the New Year, we were assured things would calm down. And they did . . . for about a week because we had a change freeze in effect. During that week alone, me and my team had time to breath and we had time to properly put out a few fires.

And then the next declaration came down: replace our document management solution and our integration system that took six months and four programmers to build.

Time frame for that? End of March. It was Jan 16. We had a single programmer.

Another trip to the Doc. Another prescription.

“Be thankful you still have a job.”

Since September of 2018, I’ve been medicated.

To add to that, my body weight has dropped by almost 20 percent. My BMI was a dangerous 17.5. I suffered heart palpitations. I suffered more ocular migraines. I suffered digestive issues.

“You’ve got to do something,” Doc tells me. “Nothing is worth your health.”

I’ve been with this company for over ten years, and I’ve pulled it’s bum out of the fryer several times already. I wasn’t about to give up. I’d done it before, I’d do it again—pull that miraculous solution out of my bum.

But that thought led me to a panic attack so severe I was in the washroom throwing up what little food I could get in my stomach from dinner. I shook from head to toe. My heart was in my throat beating as hard as it could.

I drug myself to bed and collapsed. On a whim, I rolled over, grabbed my tablet, and hit the first icon I could find. YouTube.

My recommended feed showed me the typical fare—Game of Thrones breakdowns, KPop videos, and  . . . a nail art video?

The video that started it all, Simply Nailogical‘s Raindrop Nails.

The thumbnail looked neat, some sort of rain drop effect but using nail polish. I clicked on the video and became instantly hooked. I watched that video two and three times over, took notes of all the items she used, and went straight to Amazon to buy UV nail polish and a curing lamp.

My Raindrop Nails. Not bad for my first try!

Simply Nailogical is a YouTube channel run by a plucky girl from Ontario, Canada with a trucker mouth and two adorable cats. I watched her videos every chance I got, especially when the weight of the world tried to pull me down.

Cristine and her cat Menchie

A few more stressful days at work went by, but what kept me going was waiting for that little pink UV lamp I ordered from Amazon to arrive on my doorstep.

And one day, it came! On a Friday! I’d have a whole weekend of painting my nails. Such a mundane and girlish thing to do, but I so looked forward to doing that and only that while I monitored my work email and doused the fires as needed.

All weekend long, I painted my nails. I also painted my toe nails. I soaked off the UV gel and painted them again! And again!

And ya know what, I didn’t have a single twinge of anxiety all weekend.

Monday rolled around and I (literally) had shiny new nails I couldn’t wait to show off. And show off I did.

The next weekend came along, I soaked off all the gel and tried out some nail art techniques.

Aww, it’s a little flower (that took me an hour to do!)

Another week of calmness passed, even though work tried its damnedest to beat the sh*t out of me.

Another weekend, another manicure, another week anxiety free.

At my next follow-up with the Doc, I was ecstatic to tell her the good news that my anxiety was under control. I flashed my gorgeous (then) snow-scene nails at her and told her my story. Not only was she quite impressed—anxiety is a hard thing to beat on your own—she also loved my manicure. Although I walked out with another renewal for my prescription, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. And this time it wasn’t a freight train coming for me.

How fitting, while a snowstorm raged outside one also graced my nails.

Such a mundane and silly thing to be proud of, but you know what, that manicure represents something so much more than a girlish obsession with painting my nails. Each nail art design was another step forward . . . another step away from the anxiety that had been crippling me since September.

All thanks to a YouTube channel and a few bottles of nail polish.

So Cristine-without-the-H, thank you. I think you saved me from my anxiety.

She makes it look effortless!

-Rissa

© 2024 Rissa Renae

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑